ten years ago i used to get 3.000€ for a solo performance of my work. yes, sometimes i would also accept 2.000€. when i came to berlin 4 years ago, i performed in kulturkosmos for 1.500€ with one of my solos, although i had to accept the same year only 500€ to play in fusion festival.
this year, fusion only offered to me 150€(!!!) for a concert, and i was lucky. this 90.000 attendants festival asked me to play for free past year. what the fuck is going on david?? i thought the scale was the other way around, you start getting little, and then… i have to fix this mess soon.
so many good things happening these last days. berlin shows it’s most kind face. after these 3 years and a half here, finally i fucking signed a contract for my own fucking apartment! a place to work, to hide, to rest, to disappear… my girl also is getting more and more working proposals, sasha waltz has already offered to her to dance 5 fucking pieces, and then matanicola, and yesterday… omg! she is the fucking boss of the fucking fuck in berlin. maureen, my maureen!
and my cd. almost finished. ah. this is beautiful.
i think i almost got it. something totally opposed. more clean and simple. a little bit too clasic. but this one works like charm i think. the other ones were too… easy! this one i had to produce the hole fucking picture and work on the composition a while, but i think i am very close. i can smell it…
this endless work is letting me exhaust. but i am close to the end. producing a cd is a long wayyyyy… it seems finally the mixing is done, now i have to master (omg!), but before i have to send to the print the cd cover design. seriously?? am i going to do this by my self? yeah. i have to. i don’t have money to pay a designer. i couldn’t rely this work on someone else anyway. but… why so many colours?? couldn’t i do something cleaner and simpler?? here are some tests of the title list:
when i was 15 years old, in my punk environment we used to do everything by ourselves. designing the posters, the recordings, the whatevers… nowadays these crazy technologies allow you to develop almost professional quality productions from home at video, music, photography… of course. i know i can’t do a fine work, as a real designer would, they are able to to really crazy, beautiful and at the same time simple things. but anyway…
beautiful and fulfilling concert in hannover (thanks to limon and cem!). i’m starting to feel control, the capacity to play what i propose. just begging to visualize the immense pleasure of playing concerts week after week. what a pleasure for my hole body, mind and whatever that occupy the place of the soul. this is total happiness. this is what i have been struggling for so long, with so much desire and sometimes fear. it’s almost here. pa pa parrá pa pi ti ti pú!!!
i just played a very joyful concert in “songs from a room” sofar two days ago. i was one whole week rehearsing for a 25 minutes show. but it was worthy. i enjoyed it so much. and these guys will make a great video soon. now i have to focus in hannover’s performance, as it will be longer, i have to rehearse more and more. soon my new recording will be finished, after these 4 years of ecce cello hard work, i will give myself the permission to feel prepared, and to start an strategy for selling my work, finding concerts, festivals and opportunities to share my music all over the world. and hopefully my life will become just this… rehearse, travel, play, record, compose, rehearse, travel, play, compose… i’m so close to make it happen. this time i can feel it! no matter how many difficulties i find in my way (can be anything harder than playing everyday in the streets during 4 years? it was the better school i could have had). it’s so close.
ramala music has edited a triple cd with all the recorded songs of my father. i love his first recordings. it’s quite an experience to listen very loud with headphones the voice that broke with it’s screamings and orders my life of child.
this fucking voice has marked my hole life.
“yo, tú” (1977) – gonzalo
some days ago i was with my family, with crazy kids like goats screaming and jumping all around. someone had put loud music, this music shown on TV for children. when it was over, it occurred to me to put on youtube mahler’s symphony No.3. soon my brother came down to ask me not put it loud “ey man, what the fuck is that? with so many instruments and melodies that do not understand anything! that’s fucking freaky man, you’re freaking the children. turn it down.” i didn’t. 10 minutes later came my brother‘s girlfriend. what is that? mahler. what? mahler, don’t you know it?. malek? what’s mayer??. mahler is a composer. aha, sounds nice.
Mahler – Symphony No. 3 in D minor- VI. Langsam. Ruhevoll. Empfunden
fuck. too bad man. how can anyone live completely outside mahler?
mahler is like the fucking ocean. dear esther, seriously, you’ve never seen the sea? i mean, who wants to live exposed to the sea everyday. you’d die of suffocation. but don’t you need to see it from time to time?
on the other hand I think how wonderful it would be to hear again for the first time (again for the first time, again for the first time!) one of his lieder, or the symphony No. 9 … or see his name written for the first time. that sandwiched hache!
to enjoy a tranquil week with the family and the children. to disconnect totally from internet and any electronic device (except my headphones, where i have all my recent recordings, to listen again and again, to decide whether i publish them my next cd or not. so if i finish it some day!)
she is premiering next week in berlin!! her struggling face is glued in the walls of this city of the fallen wall. she just came less than 2 years ago to berlin… damm! she doesn’t stop making production after production… i remember i saw for the first time to this non-stop dancer in madrid, when we were around 20 years old. even then she was dancing with one of the best dance companies in spain. she never admits it, she doesn’t like to recognize she is one of the few… no one of all the dancers that were around in madrid at that time, has worked so much. and now… being 40 years old! she’s going to dance stravinsky’s “rite of the spring” with sasha waltz company next weeks… and “romeo and juliet” next year!! eres grande maureen, eres grande!
i am recording again. i found the strength to face it for the umpteenth time, trying to find what is missing from all the recordings i made these past 20 months… this has to be the definitive. i know why i fear this… everyday i have to face, not only my limitations as a cellist, my limitations as a sound engineer, as a producer and composser. being aware of how little i know! that i am almost 40 years old, and there’s no time for me to learn to do it much better than this… it hurts! but at least i have the talent of being a stubborn. if i continue like this, i will finish it.
i will finsih it.
i will finish it.
in 1970 marcel broodthaers asks a cat what it thinks about certain paintings of the 20th century.
poet and visual artist (for the blind people, just “artist”) he wrote a beautiful preface for his first exhibition in 1964:
“i, too, wondered whether I could not sell something and succeed in life. for some time I had been no good at anything. i am forty years old… finally the idea of inventing something insincere finally crossed my mind and i set to work straightaway…”
here is one of the big loves of my life:
with you, my dear macbook black 12”, i made the first recording of ecce cello, together we toured 8 different countries, edited more than 40 videos, did our first animation in 2D (hundreds of rendering hours!), 10 theatrical performances written in your keys, countless posters and covers for cds or dvds, with you i designed my first website… 1700 ecce cello cds burned and printed from your tripes. fuck! with this little black i used to go out to stage running 7 different programs at the same time (ableton live, max/msp, parallels + led’s editor, 4 iPhones and wiimotes connected via bluetooth, and modul8) and it didn’t collapse once, we even won the prize to “most innovative performance” in 2009 against companies with 3 macbook pro and two dedicated technicians, do you remember??!!
also so much porn has been played in your screen… dirty!
one year ago i upgraded it with 6 gb ram and a sd hard drive, it was like a rocket. but times has changed, after 7 years i had to upgrade my equipment, and i did deserve it! i bought the equipment of my dreams. i know production companies with 3 people that have produced the half i have in these last years with my little black. i always will have a place in my heart for this little beast.
where does my music belong to? one month ago i was playing at fusion, one of the most alternative/affordable festivals in europe, but past week i was playing at fondation maeght, one of the most exclusive and rich places in the blue coast. i feel proud of it, but still makes me confused. maybe the right answer is “where do i feel more comfortable?”. obviously, wherever they appreciate my work (in terms of love, but also in terms of offering good technical facilities, and paying what is worth! for man does not live by bread alone). we’ll see, it’s been 8 months that i don’t play in the street, yesterday i was trembling just to think to go back to the streets… i don’t even know, how is that i could do it every day, during these last 3 years.