there it goes, a new rameau’s distant nefew‘s chapter.
these last days ending the recording of the new ecce cello album in madrid, ready to go back to berlin, and finish the work began in 2013, finally!. this year i have all i need to take my projects to fruition. nothing can go better.
after 20 years struggling to find and fix the intangible, i am starting to be tired of my limits. why don’t i evolve? why i get trapped in the same nets again and again? i think i have found the reason: my enormous vanity. provably this is the only reason for which i have done everything i have done. so poor!! how can you take away a cause, when you are both at the same time: the person who suffers it, and the person who takes advantage of it. using vanity as a motor, i have accomplished very complex tasks, and achieved many difficult goals. ok. i was a kid without willpower, discipline and perseverance, so i had to learn to take advantage of my disadvantages in order to find my strength. turn my vices into virtues. but you have to pay a price for this: to feed the bug!! when i realize, i did everything i did propelled by the unlimited (but ignominious) energy of vanity, then i wonder if it’s worth it. is there cure for the disease of vanity?? or is this already chronic?
i found this video yesterday. i always used to finish my workdays with the bach prelude (fishing with the prelude, finishing with the prelude). sometimes i think these three years in the streets have been the toughest years, sometimes i think were the most happy and complete… maybe they were the happiest toughest years. i hated that place, under that bridge, with all those aggressive people around, i had to take them away from my money with my bow!!
i’m so happy. everything can’t go better. i had a very down week after the last concert, as usual, but right now i am cured and ready. i’m finishing the recording of the new ecce cello cd that i began past year. it’s so fucking demanding to record, and do everything alone. it’s taking me a lot of efforts, but slowly i am finding the tone. this year everything has changed dramatically. finally i will be able to gradually go out of the streets, once ecce cello has got muscle, it’s time to work on detail and provide the adequate atmosphere to give it quality and definition. that can’t happen out there. i need to get out of the streets. and this year i will be able to do it! i’m so happy. all my efforts are all my efforts are paying off.
finally! i got it. a great theater for ecce cello. after 3 years in the streets, i am making possible to take it where it belongs. i want to thank to all the staff of the theater, and also all that audience that almost filled it!, i cried of joy! all those people honoring me with their silence, time and attention. i just felt very very fortunate. and i will work this 2014 even harder than these last 3 years, to make myself and my music worthy of that stunning silence of hundreds, that make possible to build the sound of this single one.
here we go! next concert will be in a big theater here in madrid. step by step i am getting to make ecce cello grow up! i’m so fucking excited!
(on the subject of sadness.)
the harpsichord has a little mechanism, that you pull… and you put the “lute register” –this piece is more likely to be played with this sound– so something goes over the strings and then the sound is more like a lute, i really love this sound, and it’s very appropriated for this piece, today i wanted to talk about sadness. something that… well i am a guy from the neighborhood, when i was with my colleagues, with my friends, when i was a kid, speaking about sadness was like speaking about homosexuality, or something very… you know? so when you knew about someone, that was sad, it was like you had to help this person to get out of there as soon as possible, or if you were sad your self, you weren’t really going to speak about this with your friends, it’s something you don’t really want to listen about, when someone is like sad, you had to help… you were supposed to help this person to get out of there as soon as possible, but this is on the opposite! you have to spend as long as possible with your sadness, because provably your own strength is right there, the most time you… you know? because otherwise your sadness is going to chase you all your life, it’s like, there’s a quantity of sadness you have to deal with, if you don’t do it, it is going to be chasing you all your life, so the best way –at least this is what i found– is to face it everything at once. and be as sad as you can, during as long time as possible, this way you get your strength to face everything that you want in life.
lute register, this is dietrich buxtehude… a piece that i am going to play, a piece that i really love, it’s a sarabande.
obsession has always guided me. it’s a horse (but you don’t go “on” the horse, that horse doesn’t let himself to be mounted. you go inside it, you become it). you can do anything with the strength it gives to you, and it won’t make you be tired, or bored, or hungry, or sleepy. it’s like a drug, it will do everything for you… as long as you feed it. that’s the only thing that bronco asks for. you must feed it continuously and let it run without stop, let it take control. i have been lazy and even weak since a child. i had to find a way to pursue my goals –i had to find a strength– and i found it in one of my weakest points, what was called an illness when i was a child, became my strength: obsession. it always did the dirty job for me. thru the years i learned to “manipulate” it, so it runs in the directions i need. and it works. i can do whatever it comes to my mind. it doesn’t matter i have no idea of the subject. i just have to let the horse ride in that direction. the only problem is sometimes it gets the control. control… control… what a word. these last days, this horse is running over my inert body.
again at 5 in the morning. and today i have only just done absurd buttons and screens programming. i am building a new midi controller for my music. i stay in madrid for two months to finish my new album and preparing my live set to see if this 2014 i get to leave the streets … and instead … here i am again with the dammed machines. i wish the day had 24 hours, another 24 hours the night. then i could sleep 8 short hours, and work the other 40. i need loooong time for everything. i’m extremely slow, only sickly persistence make me finish what i start. when i intend to do something, it is either it or or me. i do not give up never, i do not mind being like a shit or exhausted or lost. i just got the fucking button to do what i wanted … i started with it at 11 p.m. it was either it or me. maybe i should take a look at this. but i want to make music, not buttons!
as a videogame’s lover, to survive, i had to take a decision at a certain point: not to play. but sometimes i still do… i just got madly in love with a iOS game: icycle. what a beautiful piece of art! i really admire the work of people like this guy, here there’s an interview with reece millidge. play! play! play it!!
(on the subject of beauty)
you know? lately i try not to get out of home very often, because well… it’s christmas time, and you see this word: beauty, every where, and when you see it you know they want to sell something to you, buy this, buy beauty. because they have teached us that… beauty is something that is going to make you feel better, always, and it’s going to be easy, and cool and fantastic, and it’s not truth, it’s not truth.
what i have learned is that beauty is going to take you and eat you. you know…? like… beauty in nature, it’s dangerous. i mean… when you are in nature and you see a beautiful mushroom, if you eat it you die, because, the most beauty, the most poison. the most beautiful animals, they are the most dangerous. nature uses beauty to trap you and eat you. so this is like what it’s happened to me, today i’ve played this allemande from bach… from bach’s e-flat major’s french suite, like 30 times. so, it eats me, it eats me. because, it’s BEAUTY…well, i have been looking for this all my life. but… when you play it the first 10 times, you feel like embraced by your mother, in your mother’s arms. but after 20 times your mother has transformed into a spider, and you are into her net, trapped. and after 30 times, or 40 i don¡t know… you know? your mother, she’s transformed into a bear… she is eating you… and eating you… but you know? i want to be eaten. that’s the truth. i want to be eated, by this allemande.
the truth is that I love these days. i don’t give a shit about christmas itself. but at this time i can always hang out with a lot of people from my family do not see for the rest of the year. we eat well. i can spend more time with my mother and my brothers. i always get as a present some new device i need or some clothes… there is absolutely nothing that makes me hate this date. and if i ever expressed the opposite, it’s pure pose.